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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22746088">I’m Still Trying</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/westcubes/pseuds/westcubes'>westcubes</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Homestuck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Earth C (Homestuck), Gen, Mild Blood, Minor Character Death, My First AO3 Post, My First Work in This Fandom, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Post-Sburb/Sgrub, but that’s ok, idk how to tag</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 09:27:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,838</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22746088</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/westcubes/pseuds/westcubes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>You exit the Pesterchum conversation. Another day. Another week. Another month. On and on until one day you stop being immortal, you suppose.</p>
<p>You’ll keep going, because you’re Rose Lalonde, and Strilondes NEVER QUIT.<br/>—<br/>In which Rose sits alone in her bedroom feeling edgy, with a side of Jade.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I’m Still Trying</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Alright, so this is my first Homestuck fanfic. Of course, I picked the two characters I DON’T know how to write. Enjoy.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Your name is ROSE LALONDE. </p>
<p>Or it was. Now you go by ROSE MARYAM-LALONDE.</p>
<p>It suffices as a name, you suppose. You’ll manage. You always found the dramatics of being named silly however. As desperate as you are in your attempts to preserve a good image of yourself to make you appear professional and ready for anything, you tend to NOT REALLY CARE ABOUT YOURSELF THAT MUCH, and instead prefer to help others through your OBSESSIVE PSYCHOANALYSIS. Shocking to almost nobody, you’re a bitch for generosity. </p>
<p>You have previously woken up from a dreamless slumber, which is more than you expected from when you go to sleep, and are now sitting on THE BLACK FRAMED BED, your head resting on the fancy velvet pillows. Your feet stick out against the abstract red and green wave patterns of the blanket drawing over your figure. You don’t actually need it, as you already dressed up in a matching pair of dark gothic sweater and sweats, but you like feeling the soft confines of it. The bed’s too large for you alone, but your WIFE is unavailable. Out on a business trip with Roxy. You could’ve come with them, but you politely declined.</p>
<p>Maybe you’ll get up, go make yourself a small breakfast, message the wife in question about her business trip, and prepare a list of tasks in your head for yourself to do today. Oh, who are you kidding? Not yourself, that’s for certain. You’re just gonna procrastinate today.</p>
<p><b>&gt; Rose: Examine room.</b>

</p>
<p>Currently, you reside in the bedroom you share with Kanaya Maryam-Lalonde, the wife. Kanaya isn’t here at the moment, so you suppose that for now it’s your bedroom. You find the bedroom charming, and you almost crack a genuine smile looking around at it. This is not the time to dote over your perfect life though, so you simply lift your neutral expression into a small smirk of triumph. Perfect.</p>
<p>Your belongings, mostly made out of SHITTY PSYCHOLOGY BOOKS, and the STATUES OF CREEPY WIZARDS, (Well, you don’t find them creepy in the slightest degree, but your visiting friends are often disturbed by them.) are neatly tucked away in the clustered shelves on your side of the lair. Your ALARM CLOCK sits there, ringing through your ears ALMOST EVERYDAY. You turned it off yesterday, because you wanted it to shut up on your DAY OFF. You can’t see the time from here though. You make a note to check the time later.</p>
<p>Pictures also rest atop the roofs of the bookshelves of you and your friends at various events, ranging from John Egbert’s birthday parties over the years to your wedding with Kanaya, your now destined lesbian companion for life. Or so you hope.</p>
<p>On Kanaya’s side, the curtains are stretched apart and separated, sunlight leaking in through the UGLY GLASS WINDOWS. Earth C usually has clear, sunny weather, possibly thanks to John’s breath powers, and your rainbow drinker wife loves it. Beneath the window, Kanaya’s work table is propped up, decorated with her sewing supplies. It’s such a mess. You make a note to clean it up later. In addition to being a magical vampire and a token gay, she is also a famous fashion designer across all 4 kingdoms. She even designed the outfits for her wedding with you, with your assistance, of course. </p>
<p>You still have the snazzy black and purple suit you wore that day hung up in the BUILT IN CLOSET. There are drawers also built into the bed, where you and Kanaya put your more casual clothes. The fancy attire, however, MUST go into the closet. No exceptions. EVER. Sometimes, you slide the closet open with your WEAPONIZED WANDS OF MAGIC BULLSHITTERY, instead of just opening the door with your hand. You don’t have a real reason to, you just LIKE TO. Speaking of which...</p>
<p><b>&gt; Rose: Pick up wands.</b>

</p>
<p>You cannot pick up your wands because you already have them in your STRIFE SPECIBUS under your KIND ABSTRATUS: Needlekind. You are sure wands count as fancy needles. It makes sense logically. You don’t think this inventory system is really needed anymore, considering you’re a LITERAL GODDESS who shouldn’t have to follow silly systems, but you like to keep some old traditions going. </p>
<p>Not all of them. You have long discarded your Tree fetch modus after realizing that while it was fancy, it did not function as an optimal everyday system for carrying stuff around.</p>
<p>Speaking of your sylladex, you are getting notifications from your LAPTOP. Might as well check that out.</p>
<p><b>&gt; Rose: Check who’s pestering you.</b>

</p>
<p>You eject your laptop out of your sylladex and prop it up on the bed. It’s the newest model of your favorite computer brand, a classic inspired by the classics of your old planet: Windows 2. Yes, really, that’s what it’s called. The troll company behind these computers aren’t very creative when it comes to titles. They’re also very greedy, and if you didn’t have a GIANT SUPPLY OF BOONDOLLARS from when you played Sburb, you’d have a hard time struggling to buy these models.</p>
<p>You open your computer. The time in the corner reads 10:28 AM. Looks like you hit the snooze button, probably when you gave up on your alarm. Your reflection shows on the screen as you type your password, and you stop after you enter it. Squinting, you stare. Wow. Sometimes, you really do forget that you’re 21 years old. Although you look older and maybe even wiser, you can still see traces of yourself from when you were 13 years old; all stoic and brainy, with a thirst for knowledge and an entitled sense of assurance over everything.</p>
<p>Shaking your head to snap out of it, you click your Pesterchum program open and check to see who’s pestering you. Oh, it’s Jade. You guess you’ll have to go through this ordeal. </p>
<p>It’s not that you hate her or anything. In fact, quite the opposite. You used to be SECRETLY JEALOUS of her and what she could accomplish actually, but that was in your younger years. It’s just that you two.. rarely talk. Despite introducing you to John and Dave, who are probably your best friends, you two were never that much of friends. In fact, one of the only times she did talk to you was to tell you the news that your mom died. Not fun.</p>
<p>You two had been getting better over the years when it came to talking after the whole 3 year ordeal of waiting. Now you two have actual chemistry. You think. Whatever, you’ve delayed answering her long enough. You check the pesterlog.</p>
<p>
  <span class="jade">gardenGnostic [GG]</span>
  <span class="pesterlog"> began pestering </span>
  <span class="rose">tentacleTherapist [TT]</span>
  <span class="pesterlog"> at 10:25 </span>
</p>
<p class="jade">GG: hey rose!!

</p>
<p class="jade">GG: ...rose??

</p>
<p>Whoops, you spaced out for too long. Hoping to salvage the conversation, you fire back a response.</p>
<p class="rose">TT: Hello, Jade.

</p>
<p class="rose">TT: What brings you here today?

</p>
<p class="jade">GG: oh, you finally responded!!

</p>
<p class="jade">GG: nothing much.

</p>
<p>Ok, good, you can make this work.</p>
<p class="jade">GG: well...
</p>
<p class="jade">GG: it’s just that i have a question for you.
</p>
<p>Oh.</p>
<p class="rose">TT: Ask away. 
</p>
<p class="rose">TT: I’m sitting here in idle innocence, awaiting whatever shenanigans of chaos you will bring with your question.

</p>
<p class="rose">TT: I’m going to take a guess though and say that this is about the game, right?
</p>
<p class="jade">GG: how could you possibly guess?? anyways. yes.
</p>
<p class="jade">GG: i wanted to ask you about the game. you got me!!
</p>
<p class="jade">GG: so.. do you think about your mom often.

</p>
<p>You aren’t sure if your blood is running cold, or if you’re visualizing the cold blood on that damn castle from all those bodies. Maybe both.</p>
<p class="rose">TT: Sometimes I ponder about her.

</p>
<p class="rose">TT: The occasional thought.

</p>
<p class="rose">TT: Dwelling on the past too much would get in the way of everything.

</p>
<p>“And everyone,” you also type, before deleting it after you reread your message. Jade doesn’t need to hear that. She’s just asking a harmless question.</p>
<p class="rose">TT: Why do you ask?
</p>
<p class="jade">GG: i was just wondering!!
</p>
<p class="jade">GG: dave and karkat were talking about all the dead bodies in the sessions earlier..
</p>
<p class="jade">GG: and that made me sad. :(

</p>
<p class="rose">TT: I would think so.

</p>
<p class="rose">TT: We all lost our guardians in the game after all.
</p>
<p class="jade">GG: yeah, even the trolls.
</p>
<p class="jade">GG: to be honest, i sometimes wonder how much they hurt when they died.

</p>
<p>No. Stop.

</p>
<p class="rose">TT: It depends. Vriska told me once while we were on the meteor that her spider lusus was mortally injured by falling debris.

</p>
<p class="rose">TT: She had to guillotine its head off after in an over dramatic fashion.

</p>
<p class="jade">GG: ew!! that’s so nasty.

</p>
<p class="jade">GG: and awfully disturbing too.

</p>
<p class="jade">GG: the spider probably felt all her gross spider bits blow off. :((

</p>
<p>Stop. Stop it, Jade.

</p>
<p class="jade">GG: just.. blood everywhere!!

</p>
<p class="jade">GG: i don’t get how you and dave seemed to shrug it off.

</p>
<p class="jade">GG: i guess i did because bec didn’t technically die.

</p>
<p class="rose">TT: Didn’t he kill your grandfather?

</p>
<p class="jade">GG: he was mind controlled by tavros to!!

</p>
<p class="rose">TT: Anyways, it’s a common mistake.

</p>
<p class="rose">TT: People often mistake my composure in situations for ease over them.

</p>
<p class="jade">GG: oh?? i am soooooooo shocked. :0

</p>
<p class="rose">TT: You missed the part where I quote on quote “lost my shit.”

</p>
<p class="jade">GG: was this after our conversation???

</p>
<p class="jade">GG: whoops. too many question marks.

</p>
<p class="jade">GG: they just dont stop coming!

</p>
<p>You press yourself farther back against the bed. You remember that day for several reasons. Although it was John’s birthday, it was also the worst day of both of your lives. </p>
<p>John’s footsteps trailing behind you, that clueless, innocent expression… Jack Noir standing there blankly, ready to stab in a flash.. the stabbed body of John’s deceased dad taunting him… your mother’s corpse stained, clothes damaged with wine mixed with blood and laid down next to John’s dad.</p>
<p>You two had pulled out your weapons, ready to do something. Then John got stabbed. Then John died.</p>
<p>You don’t remember much of what happened after that until you woke up.</p>
<p>As much as you try to shove it off, that still happened, and you still think about,</p>
<p><b>&gt; Rose: Have a mental breakdown. Pronto.</b>

</p>
<p>You could. You could disconnect yourself from this conversation right now. Feel the burning of your heart that you lock behind a trapdoor spill out. Double over as everything rushes back. The blood and the death and the darkness and the nothingness as everything screams.</p>
<p>But you shouldn’t. But you can’t.</p>
<p>Rose Lalonde is supposed to be a SNARKY BROAD, for gog’s (It’s God. Dave Strider is starting to leave his mark on you.) sake. Always has to keep doing something, keep saying something. You have to keep going. If not later, then at least now.</p>
<p class="rose">TT: Yeah.

</p>
<p class="rose">TT: Anyways, I have to go. See you, Harley.
</p>
<p class="jade">GG: bye rose. :)

</p>
<p><span class="rose"> tentacleTherapist [TT]</span> <span class="pesterlog"> ceased pestering </span> <span class="jade"> gardenGnostic [GG]</span></p>
<p><b>&gt; Rose: Keep going.</b>

</p>
<p>You exit the Pesterchum conversation. Another day. Another week. Another month. On and on until one day you stop being immortal, you suppose.</p>
<p>You’ll keep going and keep trying, because you’re Rose Lalonde, and Strilondes NEVER QUIT.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>You think you’ll message Kanaya.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Coding pesterlogs is the most tedious thing I’ve ever done. Worth it. Feel free to absolutely destroy this with critiques, people.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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